It’s crazy, but sometimes I feel like a criminal continually judged by people who know nothing about me or my life and, before this world, it is better to pretend
If you don’t know me well enough or are part of my family, it is possible that on some occasions you may have thought that I am pretending to be sick. You may think that you cannot be tired continuously or that it is impossible for anyone to live in constant pain and I hope to be well and I like many others we do not live in the first person pretending to be great for the family and acquaintances, pretending to be good to go to work every day, even brutal torture and only half can meet our bloated pills and pain relievers, dragging badly when I finally got home without being able to or moving the intense and unbearable pain and strenuous exhaustion that we never recovered from. But in spite of everything, I have no choice but to act as if I’m okay.
It is much easier to pretend and try to make me see that I’m fine, because that way I don’t have to defend myself. I don’t have to explain to someone that living in constant and constant pain is possible. Nor do I need to re-list symptoms for someone who has no interest. I don’t have to justify relentless fatigue. I don’t have to explain why I don’t go to the gym or the pool like before. I wish I was fine, but I’m not.
I don’t quite understand why I feel like I have to pretend to be okay when it’s the opposite. Why is the opinion of others so important? Why don’t I care what they think? I am tired, tired of trying to explain how I really am, I explained to family and friends who did not understand my daily reality, I even spoke to doctors who looked at me with disbelief and told me that what I said It is not possible to exacerbate the symptoms. Some yes, thank God, but not the majority, which is perhaps why I developed great skills as an actor in a role I never asked to touch.
It’s crazy, but sometimes I feel like a criminal continually judged by people who know nothing about me or my life and before this world is better to pretend that people who barely know you or know anything about you don’t start to give you Advice on what you should do without having a clue or believing that you know better than I how I am and what affects me or not.
Even if it costs me, I always try to be nice when someone asks me how I’m doing. This is a question that sometimes almost makes me burst with anger because I can’t tell the truth, but I stop and try to divert the issue or try to resolve it with a short “I’m fine”. I could say “today I managed to get out of bed without help” or “I have been doing something better for a few days when the pain is giving me time” or “this week is being hell because I am going through a crisis”, but that would take having to justify my status again, having to give explanations as to why I am so you will certainly not believe me, so the answer is never the truth.
I would like to stop pretending that I feel good and show my true state, I would like those who asked me to do so with a real interest in my state and not see or hear how others suspect that I am lying when I tell them what IS my real state.
Do you feel the need to pretend you’re okay when you’re not? Would you like to change that?
If it was helpful, comment and share. Gacias!